Lead by Example
by SophieSaulie
Summary: The ODS loses Michael and it's left to Billy to keep them together, but at what cost to him? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH
1. Chapter 1

**Lead by Example**

Summary: The ODS loses Michael and it's left to Billy to keep them together, but at what cost to him? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH

A fanfiction written based on the characters from the cancelled TV show, Chaos.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I seek no financial gain. Just hope you enjoy the story. You don't have to be a fan of the show.

**Part One:**

He awoke, his body aching from every muscle. He tried to clear his head and tried to remember the last thing that had happened.

He remembered someone yelling his name, then falling to the ground, no, being shoved to the ground by a tackle.

He tried to rise up so he could observe his surroundings. It was semi-dark, but he knew he was in a building. As he focused his vision, he saw bodies, prostrate all around him. He couldn't make out the faces, but the rush of memory was certain.

He had been ambushed, no, **they **had been ambushed.

It was then that he had heard it, panted breathing with agonized groans. He looked around him and saw him.

Michael.

Billy tried to get to him, but found that he wasn't completely unharmed. A stabbing pain hit him, high on his right side, pinning him to the ground and his groans joined in a chorus with Michael's.

Still, there was something more ominous in Michael's and it pushed Billy towards him, grimacing as he lifted himself to his feet.

He found Michael curled into himself.

As he grasped his arm to turn him towards him, Michael grabbed it and looked up.

"No…don't…" he said, almost pleaded.

"Michael, I have to see how bad –"

"It's bad, Billy, trust me."

Billy looked down and the sight that caught him made him inhale sharply and bile rose up into his throat.

A knife was protruding from Michael's abdomen.

More memories flooded back.

"You shoved me," Billy said, his voice almost wistful.

Michael smiled through the pain.

"Had…to… you wouldn't obey…orders and leave me behind," he teased.

"And you took the knife meant for me…" Billy said, full recognition complete, sadness settling in.

Michael curled tighter and Billy couldn't help, but to try to reach out to him.

"Get out, Billy. Others are coming back. You have to get out of here," Michael said with another groan.

"Not without you," Billy insisted.

"No, no, I can't move. I'm probably slowly bleeding out as it is, but if I get up or move, I'll bleed out faster. I'll just slow you down. I'm done, Billy. You have to get to Rick and Casey…warn them, help them."

Michael saw the indecision on Billy's face and couldn't help, but smile again.

Life and death decisions. It was why they paid him the big bucks as he used to tease. Billy wouldn't leave without him. He had to make him.

"Billy, you have to leave…otherwise all of it is for nothing…Rick and Casey will get captured…the mission…compromised…can't let that happen. Not for me. I know you won't let that happen."

"I can't let you die, not because of me," Billy said, his face clenching in pain.

Michael noticed.

"That's…that's hardly fair is it? You've put yourself in harm's way for me so many times, but I can't do it for you?" Michael challenged.

"You're –"

"The paranoid bastard who's your leader and I'm telling you…I'm not going to make it and I won't bring you down with me…"

Billy swallowed, straightened then grimaced.

"You know I'm right," Michael said, his breathing laboring.

"Funny, I thought that knowing what's right would make it easy to do. Not so in this case, I'm afraid," Billy said regret in his voice.

"It is when you do it for a friend," Michael's moaning and breathing melded into one. "Just like leaving is when a friend gives you permission."

Billy just stared at Michael.

"It's okay, Billy. It was worth it. You were worth it. All three of you were worth it."

Michael then realized what Billy was doing as he felt him take his hand. He was staying with him until it was over. He wasn't going to leave him behind facing death alone and Michael knew that on that, he wouldn't change Billy's mind.

"I'm sorry," Michael said as he moved his hand to the hilt of the knife.

"For what?" Billy asked, confused.

Michael then pulled the knife out swiftly, groaning and arching with pain as he did it.

Billy watched in horror. He watched the blood flow out, every heartbeat pushing it out from the wound, helplessness never feeling as painful as that moment.

"What the BLOODY HELL are you doing?" Billy cried out in dismay.

"What needs to be done…can't…can't have you captured, you stubborn, Scot," Michael said, his breathing slowing. " My job's to see that you get out safe."

Billy found himself trembling with both frustration and loss. Michael had hastened his death so that Billy could leave him though he wasn't convinced he could. He wanted to do something so badly, but watching the blood, he knew anything he did would just speed up the process that much more.

All he could do was hold onto Michael until it was over.

"Thank you," Billy said. If he couldn't save Michael, he had to tell him things he'd been meaning to for the past six years. "For saving my life six years ago, yeh? And for all the other times in between."

Michael smiled, his eyelids blinking slowly, fatigue seeping into his body. He could actually feel his heart struggling to keep beating. So this was what dying felt like.

"You…more than earned…your keep," he said with another weak smile then his face grimaced. "Rick's your responsibility…don't need to tell you that, right?"

Billy just nodded.

Michael's breathing slowed even further, his eyes searching as if trying to find Billy even though he was right there. He smiled again.

"Casey's going to take it the hardest…and hide it…been together for ten years…fighting the good fight…worried he won't get over it…you'll need to help him the most…he'll fight you…fight back…fight for him, Billy…don't give up on him…"

Billy was moved by Michael's concern.

"Aye, I'll try, but…no one can lead them, can lead me, but you," Billy said, grief filling his voice.

Michael's expression hardened both from pain and from determination.

"D...don't care what you have to do...lie, cheat, steal, or charm but don't let the ODS die with me. I don't want that. Best work I've ever done. Best team I've ever led."

Billy understood.

"You're the strongest of them all, Billy…you can keep them going…"

Billy wasn't sure how he'd accomplish it, how they all would accomplish it without Michael. All he knew was that he didn't want it to end either and he would do it for Michael.

"Not so sure about that, but I'll fight for it, mate. We all will," Billy said, his eyes welling.

Michael nodded, his expression softening, going lax as if fading into sleep.

"Tell Fay…I still love her…always will...sorry for hurting her…"

"I will, mate," he assured.

Michael then turned his head upward. He took in another breath.

"Doesn't hurt anymore…" He exhaled.

Michael then stilled. And Billy knew he was gone.

Suddenly, Billy found the strength to table his grief because Michael's first and foremost concern and order to him was to get to safety then to Casey and Rick. Billy would follow those orders.

But not without Michael. He was not going to leave him behind.

He hoisted Michael's body over his shoulder, the weight and any pain not even registering. Michael was beyond pain now, but Billy would not leave his body behind. He could almost hear Michael telling him how foolish it was, that it would slow him down, but Billy's determination and in many ways devotion to his leader was non-negotiable.

He walked quickly out of the warehouse where the ambush had left only him alive, an almost choking chest squeeze from that realization nearly stopped him dead in his tracks, but he kept putting one foot in front of the other.

He reached the car that he and Michael had arrived in and placed him gently into the back seat. He was having a hard time remembering that Michael was gone.

Billy drove off towards Casey and Rick's location. When he got there, he saw them run up to the car. Billy took in a deep breath to prepare himself for what he knew would be shock and grief from his friends, from Michael's friends.

He stepped out of the car and watched them come to a halt as soon as they saw him. Shocked expressions already on their faces, he then realized that he probably looked bloodied both from his blood and Michael's.

They started walking towards him again and he met them. He had to brace them before they saw the body.

"My God! Are you okay?" Rick said, seeing all of the blood and wondering where Billy was wounded.

"I'm all right, lad."

"Then how…" Rick started.

"Where's Michael?" Casey asked, his mission mentality still in play.

Billy couldn't stop his eyes from welling up then bowed his head. Casey's eyes went wide with realization.

"Where's Michael?" He asked again, his voice sounding wary and yet flooding quickly with emotion as he was having a hard time damming it quickly enough to keep the tears from filling his eyes.

"He didn't make it," Billy said, scolding himself inwardly for the lack of compassion in the words, but he felt dancing around the subject to cushion a blow that would be like being shot themselves was pointless. "He died saving my life."

Billy's voice was broken and he had decided that he didn't have the will power to hold them back anymore.

"Is he?" Rick asked pointing his glance to the car, his voice quickly clogging up with emotions, his eyes already spilling tears.

"Aye," Billy said, finally allowing his own tears to fall. "I couldn't leave him behind."

Casey was the first to move towards the car, his body reverberating with anger, which was swiftly turning to rage. His hands were making fists as if trying to decide whether to hit something or not, needing to channel it in someway.

"You were with him?" Rick asked.

Rick was thirsting for details, needing to hear, needing to understand. He knew that practically speaking, one of them would eventually take a bullet permanently, the line of work made that an eventuality, but for some reason he had never envisioned Michael as being a casualty. It wasn't logical, he was just as vulnerable, just as mortal, but as their leader, he had watched him formulate plans, come up with escape scenarios for situations that seemed impossible to escape. He couldn't be dead. He would have found a way out.

Billy nodded in reply, his emotions completely slipping his tenuous grasp of control.

"To the end." Billy said his voice cracking.

Casey walked up to the window.

He stared into the car.

He saw Michael's still body.

Billy could hear the rapid breathing and he knew Casey well enough to know what was coming.

Casey raised his right arm, his hand clenched into a fist so tight, it was turning white.

A cry of rage and loss so profound cracked through the air and cut into both Billy's and Rick's hearts.

Casey swung his fist into the window. It didn't shatter immediately, but he kept punching it over and over again until it cracked. His hand was bloodied, but he kept punching.

Billy intervened then, caught his fist and held it with every ounce of his strength. Subduing Casey Malick under such circumstances with his concentration so fixed on destruction was dangerous, but Billy knew he would keep going even after breaking every bone in his hand and he couldn't let that happen.

"Let GO!" Casey yelled.

"No, you're hurting yourself."

"I'm warning you LET GO! It's my hand, it's my body –" Casey threatened.

"And you're my friend and doing this won't bring Michael back."

It was then Casey looked up, his cheeks streaked with tears, and brusquely walked away.

He walked past Billy then Rick. Rick tried to stop him, but his arm was yanked off.

"Best leave him be, lad. He needs time to process," Billy said sadly.

"We shouldn't leave him alone," Rick said.

"We won't. When he's ready, we won't."

Billy had seen this before with Casey, when they had lost Carson. This was ten times worse. Of all of them, Casey had started his career with Michael. He had never known a time without Michael. Billy knew that and knew why Michael, with his dying breath, had told him that Casey would take his death the hardest. He would have to muster all he could to get Casey through losing Michael.

Rick then turned his attention back to the car and walked over. Compared to Casey's approach his steps were slow, achingly tentative. He looked in and saw Michael's body. He squeezed his eyes closed both in grief and also begging disbelief to take over so that when he opened them again, Michael wouldn't be there, be there dead.

Billy's heart felt for Rick. Though Rick had known Michael the shortest and perhaps had only glimpsed into the potential of Michael's strengths as a leader versus the inherent distrust that was second nature to him, he had seen enough, had bonded enough to understand the loss, to the pervasive aimlessness that had only just begun to settle in.

Billy walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. 

Rick then broke and reached for Billy and clung to him in despair.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

There are no grand military funerals for CIA agents. No pomp and circumstance to herald their sacrifice. Just a quiet service, a small plaque, acknowledging the credit, but that would never leave the building and a lone anonymous star on a wall filled with other anonymous sacrifices.

It didn't seem enough. It would never seem enough.

For a few weeks after Michael had been buried, Higgins had respectfully left them leaderless. There was nothing pressing to address and he may be a lot of things, but first and foremost, he understood the loss and grief that came with losing one's own. That kind of sorrow couldn't be rushed or dismissed, not if you wanted your agents to function again.

Still, after that time had passed, he had asked Billy into his office.

Billy dreaded the meeting because he knew what it was going to be about.

"Operative Collins, come in."

Billy walked in and sat down, uncomfortable and feeling as if he were betraying Michael as well as the others for even being there, but he knew it was inevitable and unavoidable.

He also hadn't been feeling very well since arriving back and was struggling to act normal around Higgins.

Upon returning home, Billy had insisted that he had been fine, avoiding a thorough medical examination, but over time, he had been feeling achy and dizzy. His appetite had waned, only nibbling with opportunity snacking. Sleep had also been elusive, nightmares invading, reliving Michael's death causing Billy to avoid sleep all together where stamina would allow. He knew his health was compromised, but he had no will to do anything about it.

"First off, I want to say that no matter our past differences nor your feelings toward me, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for your loss, for all our losses."

Billy felt the sincerity there and took it on its face value.

"I appreciate that, Director."

"How is the team holding up?"

"As well as can be expected," Billy said, knowing they were barely functioning.

"I understand, but the inevitable question must be faced. Will the ODS continue –"

"Of course it will continue," Billy said defensively, the effort rattling his body and he clenched in pain.

Higgins noted it with concern.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm right as rain, just tired...as well you can probably understand given all that's happened," Billy said without further clarification, feeling none was necessary.

Higgins looked doubtful, but let the subject drop.

"I'm not suggesting that it not continue, but you will have to agree that with Operative Dorset gone -"

Billy zoned out at the words and felt pain over the reminder.

"Someone will need to lead the ODS and I think you should consider it."

"What?" Billy said, confused, wondering if his fatigue was making him hear things.

"I think you should lead the ODS. You and Operative Malick have the most experience, but I think you'll agree that Malick has…limitations when it comes to command qualities."

Billy couldn't dispute it even if he had wanted to. Casey might want to lead, but his leadership would get them all killed in short order.

"I don't know if even I–" Billy started.

"It must be in-house, Operative Collins. You know that. An outsider would never understand the workings of your team, even I can concede to that."

"So what you're telling me is that I either take command or the ODS is disbanded."

"Quite simply yes," Higgins concurred.

Billy then heard Michael's words:

_"D...don't care what you have to do...lie, cheat, steal, or charm but don't let the ODS die with me. I don't want that. Best work I've ever done. Best team I've ever led."_

Billy hadn't even considered the possibility that it would be solely left to him whether the ODS survived or not.

"I appreciate you candor, Director. I need to talk to the others and think about what you've said."

Higgins could only nod, signaling Billy that the conversation was done.

Billy walked out feeling anguished. He didn't want to lead the ODS, felt that he could never measure up to the respect that Michael had earned and had commanded. It was almost an unspeakable idea, but how else would the ODS survive? Higgins may be a jerk about many things, but his words about the team were spot-on. They could never take orders from an outsider. That left him and Casey to decide the fate of the ODS and of course, by proxy, Rick's fate.

It was almost too much to fathom for him.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_Flashback_

_Billy had noticed that Casey had been coming to work with bruises, his hands bandaged and those were the wounds he could see. From the way Casey carried himself, the way he hissed and clenched with pain or from stiffness, Billy knew that Casey had been taking out his grief over Michael's death through physical means, excessively venting his rage on hapless gym equipment and training opponents unaware of his intent._

_This was how Casey coped, but the method was slowly destroying him and Billy couldn't watch it happen any longer so he followed him one day and had decided that he would make it his personal mission to stop Casey, even it meant taking him on himself._

_"What are you doing?" Casey confronted._

_"Making you see that you're killing yourself, slow and sure and that it has to end."_

_"You're not my keeper and you're not M-"_

_"Michael? You're right I'm not and I know that I could never measure up to the respect you had for him but I **do **know that he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."_

_Casey's eyes flared with an anger that was no longer under control by his proudly professed stoic center._

_"You have no idea what Michael would want," Casey gritted with festering grief. _

_"I may be wrong about a lot of things, but I **do** know that Michael wouldn't want you to punish yourself like this. If you must exact your rage on someone, exact it on me. It was I who let him die on my watch," Billy said with equal festering guilt._

_Casey's control then snapped and he punched Billy across the face. Billy staggered momentarily, but straightened back up to readily face more, concealing the pain he was feeling._

_"He died saving me, putting himself between me and a blade, all because I had placed myself in harm's way."_

_Casey struck again and Billy straightened again._

"_Why weren't you careful? Why didn't you stop him?" Casey blurted more from emotion than from blame, but Billy felt the sting of the accusations nonetheless because he had already asked those questions, over and over again of himself._

"_Aye, I made a grave tactical mistake and Michael paid for it with his life."_

_The punches then came in succession with Billy continuing to bounce back, allowing Casey to thrust his anger with each blow. Billy barely felt the pain, so numbed by his own grief and guilt that he couldn't tell if he was even bleeding._

"_FIGHT BACK YOU BASTARD!" Casey yelled. "HIT ME!"_

"_I won't help you punish yourself because there was nothing you could have done. You couldn't have saved him. It's not your fault."_

"_I'M THE HUMAN WEAPON, DAMN IT! I should have been there! It's my purpose! It should have been me who died!"_

_Casey's remorse finally replaced his anger and he had no more strength to expend. He dropped to his knees, sobbing, as Billy had never seen him. He dropped down to his own knees as well, the effects of the beating settling into his still not completely healed skin, muscles, and bones from the mission. He placed a hand on Casey's shoulder, knowing he wasn't a man who gave into outward expressions of physical contact, but needing it for himself._

"_No one should have died that day, Casey and yet someone did, someone who believed in the greater good more than he ever admitted and someone who cared for his men even more than that greater good. We must mourn for him, of course, but the ODS must also go on for him. His last words to me were to save it at any cost, through any means. So, hit me as much as you want just so long as at the end of it, you come back to us as whole as you can be."_

"_I don't know if I can," Casey said, his baritone voice plaintive with exhaustion. "Be whole again."_

"_You can, mate. I know you can. True, none of us will ever be the same men we were before, but for Michael's sake, we mustn't surrender to our loss. We must take all that we have learned from him and live up to his example."_

_Casey, his breathing slowing, his rage dissipating, looked at his friend and felt the needed kinship. Realization of what he had accused Billy of settled in and he hated himself for saying the words, his despair no excuse for hurting a fellow comrade._

"_It wasn't your fault either, you know," Casey comforted, knowing it to be true. "What I said was uncalled for, I said it because I didn't have control –"_

"_No, mate, you said it because it's true. In our most heated, unvarnished moments, we're allowed the luxury of speaking the truth because it's all we have, because saying the lies isn't worth the effort anymore, " Billy said, his expression twisted in pain._

"_Billy, you couldn't have done anything any more than I could have," Casey explained, his calm control back in play._

"_Nice of you to say, but that's one lie you cannot sell, not to this purveyor of untruths. I know the truth. I was there with him to the end…I know the painful reality."_

_Billy then rose back up fully onto his feet, wavering on his legs, groaning. He managed to reach out a hand to help Casey up. Casey saw the raw pain on Billy's face through the cuts and bruises he had inflicted and hated that he had caused those wounds. He knew that Billy was wrongly blaming himself and worse, felt he deserved them and he didn't. Casey hadn't meant them._

"_You should hit me," Casey said, simply as if it would solve everything. "You'll feel better."_

_Billy smiled despite the pain it caused to his face because it was Casey's way of saying "I'm sorry" and maybe even "I'll feel better if you do hit me", but it would serve no purpose in Billy's mind so he would never raise a hand to him._

"_You owe me a beating," Casey insisted, exhaustion both emotional and physical clearly in his voice._

_Billy shook his head and continued to smile._

"_I hardly think I could pull off a beating upon you, mate, besides, it would serve no purpose nor bring absolution. It would only bring more unneccessary pain," Billy said, joking at first, but then with gentle resignation as he limped off, rubbing his chin. _

_Casey watched him leave and the guilt he felt suddenly transformed itself to a need to help Billy as he had helped him. The forced joviality was Billy's defense mechanism just as physical confrontation was Casey's way of coping. _

_Billy had understood that was the best way to get to the pain Casey was feeling, but he hadn't counted on hurting Billy emotionally with his outburst. It wasn't his intention, but once in the throes of the moment, he couldn't stop blurting the words out. He was blaming himself when he had uttered them. He still blamed himself for not being there so that Billy wouldn't have had to face losing Michael alone or at all if he had any control over the situation._

_He feared that it would be a much harder task to convince Billy that Michael's death wasn't his fault, that it wasn't a flaw in his actions, but that sometimes the bad guys won. He had made it worse with his words. He didn't believe the same method Billy had employed on him would work in reverse. Billy would never hurt him. It wasn't in him to harm someone he cared about. All Casey knew was that he would be there for Billy when the crash happened to him just as he had been there for him._

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_Flashback_

_Unlike Casey, Rick had been more introverted with his grief. Casey was large gestures and outward acts of self-punishment. Rick was quiet, too quiet. Introspection to the point of taking a vow of silence it had seemed. Billy sensed that Rick was cocooning himself from the pain, trying to act normal when normal was the last thing he was feeling._

_Billy hadn't been surprised to find young Rick at the memorial wall. After almost becoming a disavowed agent himself back in Volgograd, Rick had pondered that brief encounter with sober reflection there._

_When Rick had been injured, facing his own brush with death, he had posited how he could understand why Corwin had sold secrets, driven by the anonymity of the job and though none of them craved attention or did the work for the credit, for the first time, Rick had hated that Michael's sacrifice would never be denoted by anything more than a star on a wall. _

_Casey had said, "Smart men don't join the Agency for the 'atta boys'." And Billy had finished the thought with "Or the parades…"_

_None of it helped ease the pain and the loss. Rick hadn't expected it to, but he also couldn't help the thoughts from coming into his head._

_He hadn't noticed Billy sidling up to him._

"_We have to stop meeting like this. People will talk," Billy teased softly._

_Rick barely acknowledged the quip and continued to stare at the stars._

"_You need to talk to me, lad. It's no good this silent treatment you're doing. It's eating you up inside."_

_Rick looked over at Billy, noticed how tired and haggard he looked, maybe even a little pained, but he was feeling that way as well._

"_I never got to know him. Michael, that is. He's gone and I never got to know him."_

_Billy sighed, feeling a twinge of guilt for robbing Rick of more time with a leader who could have taught him much about leadership if not so much about how to be a trusting person._

"_Michael played things close to the vest. You knew as much about him as any of us did. He was old school spy craft like Casey. They went through the ranks together."  
><em>

"_You see? Like that, I didn't know that. I should have known that."_

"_It's not a matter of what you should have known about him, mate. It's the example he set as our fearless leader that you should take away from your time with him and he'd be the first to tell you to not become the paranoid bastard that he had been," Billy said, a small wry smile on his face. "Michael was a 'need to know' kind of spy and there were a load of traps, most of them spring-loaded, working towards anyone gaining any more knowledge about him than what he was willing to reveal. I managed to ply a few open with alcohol and during some rare, unguarded moments on those very bad days when a mission failed…" he breathed heavily. "…As they inevitably do on occasion during our commutes to the office, but he only volunteered so much."_

_Rick listened intently and sadly._

"_The most important things you need to know about him, you already know. He was a stellar leader, yes, he had a fevered brain, but that brain saved our lives more than once…" Billy said as he swallowed back his emotions. "He cared about the work, but he cared about the people even more. He loved and lost because of the work and he'd be the first to tell you not to fall into that same trap. The best thing you can do to preserve his memory more than any star on a wall could is to fight for your principles and to put people first. You already possess those qualities. He knew that the moment you walked in even if his paranoid nature wouldn't let him show it outright."_

_Rick began to crumble._

"_It's unfair. This job is unfair. I get Corwin even more now. I understand his bitterness," Rick said, his voice etched with resentment. "Michael didn't deserve what happened to him and deserves this pitiful means of recognition even less."_

_Billy straightened, feeling the inadvertent reference to being the cause of Michael's undeserved fate. He still found himself checking his hands occasionally to see if Michael's blood still stained them. He was becoming the embodiment of Lady MacBeth, even fearing her madness might be seeping into him._

"_Indeed, his last act saving my life. It should have been me. No one would have missed an already ex-patriot of one country such as myself. A blank star would have been an appropriate acknowledgement of my contributions to the CIA."_

_Rick then realized what Billy had taken from his words._

"_No, Billy, I'm sorry, I wasn't blaming you and no, it shouldn't have been you anymore than it had been Michael."_

"_No need to backtrack, lad. I know the truth and have come to terms with it. It's neither here nor there now. What's more important is that the ODS continue as Michael would have wanted it."_

"_I don't know…"_

_Billy sensed Rick's trepidation. _

"_If you feel you can't go on, then I understand. Just like the fear you felt with kidnapping LaRouche, it is your choice and yours alone whether to overcome it or not. It is not my call to make, but I know you Rick, you do have a hero's heart, just as Michael did. You said, yourself, this is the job you signed up for. Aye, this is the worst possible moment in a spy's life, losing one's own, and I won't tell you that it gets any easier, but it is part of the life we lead here. I know you have it in you to do great things, to command someday yourself, but only you can know that for yourself and you must want it with your whole heart and soul because anything less puts lives at risk."_

_Billy took in a breath and pondered his own future for a moment as he spoke his words to Rick. He wasn't sure of his own fate and here he was lecturing to Rick about his. It felt hypocritical, yet he knew in his heart that Rick would do great things and he had to do everything he could to salvage his confidence as well as his career. He knew from the small conversations he had with him that Michael had been hopeful for the future of the ODS and the CIA with Rick there so in his own way, he had hoped that he was fulfilling another wish of Michael's._

"_Think long and hard about it Rick. Michael had faith in you even if he never showed it openly. And you already know that I have every confidence in you."_

_Billy patted him on the back and walked away, leaving Rick to look back at the stars on the wall with a new perspective and perhaps with a renewed sense of purpose._

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Lead by Example**

Summary: The ODS loses Michael and it's left to Billy to keep them together, but at what cost to him? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH

A fanfiction written based on the characters from the cancelled TV show, Chaos.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I seek no financial gain. Just hope you enjoy the story. You don't have to be a fan of the show.

**Part Two:**

Casey and Rick returned to the office, but Billy wasn't there. It gave them both a twinge of worry. Billy had never disappeared without telling them where he was going. It was an unwritten understanding that Michael had insisted on. Paranoia may have driven it, but they had all abided by it. It was a way to ensure each other's safety. In their line of work, danger lurked in less obvious circumstances. Billy would never break it, especially now when they were all vulnerable emotionally and at risk for not thinking clearly. Michael's death had left them all on shaky ground.

"Have you seen Billy?" Rick asked.

"I was going to ask you the same thing." Casey said.

Casey then bowed his head. Rick noticed.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm worried about him. I'm afraid in a moment of weakness, trying to deal with Michael's death, I've been punishing myself. Billy saw through it and helped me see that there was nothing I could have done to save him, but I said some things...did some things..."

"What did you say to him?" Rick asked concerned, but not accusing.

"That he should have been more careful, that he should have stopped Michael...I wasn't thinking straight. I was angry at myself, but it didn't come out that way."

Rick shook his head and at first Casey thought he was chastising him.

"I said that Michael didn't deserve what happened to him, that he deserved better than a star on the wall and I think Billy took it personally, that I was blaming him. I didn't mean it that way at all."

"Damn it."

"Billy's okay. He helped me see that Michael wouldn't want me to mourn him. He told me that Michael saw potential in me and that I shouldn't waste that faith he had in me," Rick rationalized.

"He's right," Casey said.

Casey then shook his head.

"Billy let me hit him. He goaded me into hitting him knowing it was the way to break through to me, but I've known him a long time. He was in pain too yet he tabled it for me."

"For us," Rick added and agreed.

"And now he's missing. I'm worried that when he needed us, we let him twist in the wind alone."

Suddenly Higgins walked in.

"Have either of you seen Operative Collins?"

"We were just asking each other the same question," Casey said.

"I was waiting for his answer."

"Answer? Answer about what?" Casey asked suspiciously.

"About leading the ODS."

"You asked him to replace Michael?" Rick asked, a little aghast at the seemingly insensitive request despite the fact that he would gladly follow Billy into hell if he asked.

"Well, not to replace Operative Dorset. I know how all of you are still mourning his death, but yes, if the ODS is to continue -"

"Can the false sympathy. Why the sudden change of heart? I thought you'd jump at the chance at disbanding the ODS?" Casey accused.

Higgins balked at the accusation.

"I assure you that my sympathies are sincere. Think what you like about me Operative Malick and perhaps you'd be justified in some respects, but make no mistake that I take the loss of every agent personally. As for the ODS, I admit that I did want it disbanded at first, but all of you have accomplished amazing work -"

"Because of Michael," Casey declared, fresh grief bloomed in his chest.

"Yes, of course, Operative Dorset was a principle part of your success," Higgins said with earnest regret. "All the more reason that someone will need to eventually lead it. I thought that Collins would be a good choice. He said he needed to talk to both of you about it before he could make his decision. From your reactions, I take it he didn't mention it to you."

"No, he didn't. We didn't know," Rick said, regret in his voice.

"That's curious. Why wouldn't he mention it to you?"

"Because we were too busy feeling sorry for ourselves." Casey chastised more himself, but he saw Rick nod in agreement. "We'll find him, Director and for the record, we're going to convince him to take it even if it means I have to use some convincing arguments to persuade him," Casey said.

"I'm sure you will, Operative Malick," Higgins said with a knowing smile.

Higgins left and Casey began to pace.

"Damn it, Billy," Casey cursed to himself. "He blames himself. I made him think..."

"So did I, but what's more important now is that we find him and help him like he helped us."

Rick paused for a moment.

"I'd follow Billy into hell and back," he asserted.

"So would I. We just have to convince **him **of that."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_Flashback_

_Billy felt his leaden legs slow his stride towards Fay's office door. He stood and watched her work, blissfully unaware of what had happened and of what he would be telling her. _

_He had broken such news before both in the British Secret Service and in the CIA. It had been difficult with strangers because any innocent's death was a loss he not only took personally, but that he had always felt should have been prevented._

_In this case, it was as personal as it came. _

_Michael had confided that he had never stopped loving Fay and had admitted that the reason Billy had been employed to always be the seducer of any female asset was as much about his talent for doing it as it was Michael's inability to do it himself, that for all his faults, he had never cheated on Fay, at least not with other women, but maybe he had with the job he had admitted reluctantly. He was a monogamous person and even though he had accepted that he and Fay would probably never get back together, he didn't think that he would ever love anyone else like that again. The admission had brought out the terminal romantic in Billy._

_So now, to have to bear the news of his death to Fay, who he had considered a friend as well, felt like a knife ripping into his heart. Still, he would never let anyone else do it. _

_He took in a breath and walked into her office. She looked up, her beaming smile radiated up in greeting and it just made his heart that much heavier._

"_Billy! How good to see you! Are you and the guys back already?" She asked innocently._

"_Yes, yes," He said stumbling a bit, completely uncharacteristic of him._

"_Where's Michael? Normally he just can't wait to tell me all of the…" she trailed off as she watched Billy's expression turn somber. A chill ran up her body. She had never considered the scenario that she knew was now coming. "No, no…you're not…he's not…"_

_Billy tried to act strong for her, tried not to let himself falter because he knew that she would need that strength from him, but he found the effort excruciatingly difficult._

"_I'm so sorry, Fay…" was all he could say, his skill for glibness lost to him at that moment._

"_No, no, it can't be! He never…he always lets you guys…" Fay rambled, unable to gain control of any coherent thought from the shock of the news._

_Billy took in a breath._

"_It's all my fault, Fay. He saved my life. I…bollixed the mission…"_

_Fay watched Billy collapse into a nearby chair and felt only sympathy. She was worried about how he had looked. He was trying to hide pain that she could tell he was feeling perhaps injuries suffered on the mission. It seemed obvious to her that Billy was neglecting himself._

"_Billy, no, I know you and I know Michael. Whatever happened, I know in my heart that it couldn't have been prevented. Are **you **all right? You look like you're in pain. Have you see the Company doctors?" Fay asked her concern evident._

_"I'm fine. You mustn't worry yourself. I had to come to you first. I didn't want to risk you hearing about what had happened from anyone else but me."_

_Fay was moved by Billy's compassion. She had already known that behind the charm was a man who cared deeper than any operative she had ever known, especially more than Michael, much as she loved Michael, she knew that Billy was a rarity in the Company._

_"I wanted you to hear from me how Michael died saving my life, taking the fall for my incompetence and how deeply sorry I am."_

_"Billy, no, please, you mustn't blame yourself. I know you, supported you on missions, I know you did the best you could. I know that Michael thought you were worth it. I'm more surprised that just when I think that I've gotten over him, gotten over the hurt and abandonment, I get reminded that we loved each other once and now..."_

_Billy appreciated her words, but couldn't convince himself that he had done all he could for Michael._

_Fay allowed herself to shed tears, the shock still raw, but slowly dissipating into her body._

"_He never stopped loving you, Fay. You were his last thoughts, the last words he uttered were how he never stopped loving you."_

_Fay sat down herself, her expression less of loss and more of guilt._

"_That's what makes this so hard for me. I did love him, Billy, but all the hurt between us, the love between us, I had put it firmly in the past. Yes, I'll always love him and I'll mourn what might have been, but I feel terrible that he never did move on, that he died hoping for something that I knew could never happen again."_

_Billy nodded and understood. Fay noticed that he seemed to be taking the loss particularly hard._

"_What will happen to the ODS?"_

"_I honestly don't know."_

_"I think you should lead the ODS," she suggested sincerely._

_"What? No, absolutely not."_

"_Billy, Michael often talked about how capable you are and how he trusted you."_

"_I'd feel like I was betraying him."_

"_And if you don't, the ODS dies with him. Of all the things Michael loved, he loved working with all of you more than anything else in his life. It's why we could never have a life together. I wanted more than he could ever give and to be honest, he wasn't capable of giving to a relationship other than to the work. The work was his true mistress."_

_Billy listened, still feeling unworthy._

"_I got him killed."_

"_No, Billy, the job got him killed and I know that he wouldn't have it any other way, dying to save a friend."_

_Fay saw the uncertainty and insecurity in Billy's eyes and in his normally confident posture. She knew she had to convince him that he would be the only choice because she truly believed he was the best choice. She had been privileged to watch him work with the others, with Michael and his devotion was clear. _

_There was also something else she had noticed. Illness. Billy didn't look well at all._

"_Michael was many things, Billy, but first and foremost, he cared about all of you in the ODS. He loved the work and cared about all of you. I know in my heart that he would want the ODS to go on. It's his legacy and I know that he would want you to command it," she said, her hand on his knee._

_She then smiled._

"_Let's be honest, can you really imagine Casey at the helm?"_

_Billy allowed himself a small smile._

"_Hardly."_

"_Think about it, Billy. You're not betraying Michael. I know that Casey and Rick would be by your side."_

"_I'm not so sure about that," he said, the insecurity back again._

_"Why would you think that?" Have you talked to them about it?"_

_"No, but..."_

"_Billy, one thing you have to be different than Michael about. Don't be the distrusting paranoid that he was. Your greatest gift is your inherent and unquestioned belief in Casey and Rick. Of course Michael trusted all of you, but he was incapable of expressing it. It's why our marriage failed. I needed to hear that sometimes. Despite how tough Casey and maybe Rick a little are, they need to know that you trust them. I know that Michael died because of his trust for you."_

_Billy nodded._

_"I promise to give it serious consideration," he said as he rose stiffly to leave, clenching in pain._

_"Are you sure you're all right?"_

_"I'm fine, love. Nothing a good night's rest can't fix," he evaded as he walked towards the door._

_Fay wasn't convinced; her empathy for him grew. She was worried about him. His compassion towards her was meaningful and so like the man. His pain over Michael's death palpable, even more devastating for him than it had been for her._

_"Thank you for telling me about Michael."_

_Billy nodded again, smiled and left._

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick and Casey showed up at Fay's office looking for Billy.

"Have you seen Billy?" Casey asked.

"No, what's happened?"

"He's disappeared," Rick said.

Fay's expression softened with worry.

Casey caught it.

"What's wrong?"

"He didn't look well at all. He was taking Michael's death very hard. He blamed himself. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but..."

Rick and Casey gave each other knowing and worried looks.

"We need to find him," Rick said, guilt piercing his heart. "We were so wrapped up in our own grief, we ignored the fact that Billy was hurting too. He was with Michael and he thinks he should have saved him, prevented him from dying."

Rick's pained expression deepened as his worry and guilt worsened. He had let Billy down and yet in spite of his own guilt and grief, Billy had taken the time to listen and comfort.

"Only no one could have. Michael, he did what he knew he had to do. He saved Billy. He saved the mission," Casey said feeling his own self-flagellation for allowing his selfish guilt to blind him from Billy's pain.

In retrospect, Casey should have seen that Billy's surrender to his punches were as much to receive punishment for what he felt as his failure to save Michael as it was to help Casey unleash his own guilt.

"Billy was trying to make us feel better, but at the expense of his own grief," Rick said. "We have to find him and convince him to take over the leadership of the ODS."

"What?" Fay asked.

"Higgins asked him to take over," Casey said.

"And he refused?"

"No, he told him he had to talk it over with us," Casey continued as he swallowed his regret down. "And all we did was make him feel like he's the last person we'd want."

Casey hit a nearby desk in frustration.

"We'll have to interrogate everyone," Casey said.

Rick could only stare at Casey incredulously at his idea. If the situation wasn't so grave, he would have laughed at Casey's overreaction.

"Maybe we should go to his place first. If he was feeling as bad as Fay says, maybe he just went home to rest," Rick suggested logically.

Casey looked over and nodded.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy was feeling wrecked.

Pain radiated from every pore and muscle and he'd been throwing up all night without the benefit of getting cracking smashed the night before. He wasn't holding food down so he could forget about alcohol.

He'd had a sleepless night and his body felt like it was made of lead. He had never made it to his bed, as every time he had tried to stand, he had felt his legs buckle underneath him and shooting pain seized his abdomen, forcing him to sit back down on this couch.

If truth were to be told, he felt like he was dying a slow death. His intellectual mind was screaming at him to get help, to call someone to get help for him, but his grief was a more seductive voice, berating him, telling him that he deserved to die. He had let his leader, his friend, die, to die in his place and to his disillusioned mind he was only letting happen what should have happened in the first place.

This was only right he heard his grief convince him. He was righting a wrong inflicted on the universe. Even his teammates didn't believe he could lead them. What was there left for him?

But as his weakness began to overwhelm him, suddenly another voice intervened. His will to want to make it up to everyone, to serve as an example, to lead by Michael's example.

Billy had no wish to die. He wanted to live.

But as he struggled to get up and reach for his cell, hearing it ring and vibrate, seeing Rick's name on the screen, he wondered if he was too late in coming to that conclusion.

His cell continued to ring and vibrate as if begging him to crawl out of his pain to answer it.

And all he wanted to do was answer it.

He reached out, his hand trembled with the pain it brought to move his body towards it, still, he fought it.

His fingers curled around the phone then grabbed it. Once fisted firmly, he dropped back onto the couch, breathing as if he had run a mile. He pressed the "answer" button and brought it to his ear.

"Billy? Billy! Answer me!" Rick called out.

Billy found himself smiling at the comforting sound of the voice of someone he cared about.

"Rick..." he breathed.

"Billy, where are you?"

"My place...afraid I'm buggered..."

"No, no, listen to me, we're coming to get you, hold on, keep talking to me," Rick said, his emphatic voice rising with insistence.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry...just stay with me."

"Don't…want to die..."

"You're not going to die, you hear me?"

Billy wanted to believe Rick, but he was feeling as if he was being pulled away slowly from what energy was left to keep him present, to keep him alive. Grief's seduction was almost complete.

"Higgins...he asked..."

"Yeh, we know and…" Rick took in a breath. "I'd go to hell and back for you so don't die."

Rick heard a wet, gagging laugh then coughing.

"Billy?" Rick called out, panic rising.

"And I for you, mate, for the both of you...let's hope it doesn't come to that...aye?"

Rick then heard a thud. A thud that hit him squarely in the chest through the phone line.

"Billy? Billy!"

No answer.

The pain in his chest then moved into his throat.

"Martinez?" Casey called out as he drove towards Billy's hotel. "Rick!"

"Hurry. Hurry, Casey."

Rick then felt the car lurch forward.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Lead by Example**

Summary: The ODS loses Michael and it's left to Billy to keep them together, but at what cost to him? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH

A fanfiction written based on the characters from the cancelled TV show, Chaos.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I seek no financial gain. Just hope you enjoy the story. You don't have to be a fan of the show.

**Part Three:**

Rick and Casey screeched to a stop and piled out of the car, leaving the doors open.

Rick continued to call out to Billy on his cell never disconnecting the open line, but there was still no answer.

Casey ran ahead of Rick and got to Billy's door. Adrenalin was flooding his body. Protocol be damned, he didn't bother to knock or call out. Instinct and Billy's lack of response drove him and he kicked the door open.

Rick was right next to Casey and they both rushed in.

"Billy!" Rick called out as he spotted his friend's prone body on the floor.

Rick turned Billy over and was shocked to see him so pale and with blue tinged lips, blood leaking from his nose. Billy twitched and moaned.

Billy's eyes fluttered open and seeing Rick in his line of sight brought a smile.

"Hang on, Billy. Fay called EMS before we left. They're right behind us," Rick assured, unsure if Billy could hear him.

"Damn it, don't you die on me you idiot," Casey said, Rick hearing the break in his voice despite Casey trying to act defiantly pissed off.

Billy's smile grew wider, demonstrating to both of them that he was conscious and had heard them.

He took in struggling, ragged breaths.

"Aye, orders...received...loud and…clear...mustn't die," he said, clenching his eyes closed and moaning again. "Will do my level best…to comply."

"That's YOUR job, giving the orders. You hear me? Nobody else's. You're accepting Higgins's offer. Do NOT make me convince you."

Rick couldn't help but smile.

"Right..." Billy smiled weakly. "Wouldn't…want that…now, would we?"

Billy coughed and blood stained his lips. Rick held him tighter, fear gripping him in its own stranglehold.

"And Rick isn't the only one who would go to hell and back for you. I'm insulted that you even had to question that," Casey said, a mix of sarcasm and certainty in his voice.

Billy nodded, drawing a smile through the pain.

"My…mistake…" He gasped and wheezed.

He swallowed then closed his eyes as they heard EMS arrive.

Rick was now frozen with fear.

Casey felt the adrenaline drain from him and dizziness tried to take over, but he resisted it, easing himself into a nearby chair.

"He's going to be all right," Casey said.

Rick stepped away to allow the EMS to work on Billy.

"How can you be so sure?" Rick asked, wanting to hope, but seeing Billy so deathly ill, he couldn't be sure.

"Because Billy never disobeys orders, not when he has control, not when he knows people are counting on him. In the six years we've worked together, he's never let me..." Casey paused, "never let...**us** down...he **will **make it."

"I hope you're right."

Casey hoped he was too, his usual confidence not as firmly implanted in his stoic center as he wished it was.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

It felt strange and oddly lonely for Rick and Casey as they waited in the waiting room. They had been in their fair share of hospital waiting rooms, but Michael had always been there with them, no matter who was injured. It was a rare mission that had Michael hospitalized. He often said that the hardest thing about being a leader was sending one of them on life threatening missions and staying behind to coordinate or doing the undercover set up. He preferred it when he was directly involved in the mission with them so that he could watch over them and he never took for granted that they protected him in return.

But they also knew that Michael was always ready to take any fall necessary whether it was battling Higgins for acceptance or an enemy combatant threatening any one of their lives. It was what Michael did.

And he had finally paid the ultimate price.

But Casey and Rick knew that he had done it without any hesitation and they knew that he had thought that Billy had been worth it.

It was now up to them to not only convince Billy that Michael thought he was worth dying for, but that they also would die for him and even more importantly that they would follow him into the heart of darkness if he asked.

Billy was in surgery and the blur of the doctors and their explanations of all they had to repair had been dizzying and if allowed to sink in any deeper would paralyze them both.

Translation: Billy had a long war ahead of him, locked in a fierce battle of wills that they had to hope that he would prevail, that it wasn't too late.

Fay and Adele had joined them and they had felt less alone.

Adele brought Rick into an embrace and he melted into it.

"Any word?" Fay asked.

"They just got Billy into surgery," Casey said.

"What did the doctors say?"

"I got a migraine listening to them," Casey said as he paced.

"They would only confirm that he has pneumonia. They said that Billy had only allowed a cursory physical after we came back…after Michael's death," Rick said sadly. It still hurt to say the words. "He kept saying that he was fine and refused any other treatment. He was probably in pain all this time -"

"Then I go and make it worse by hitting him," Casey said with disdain.

"You didn't know and he let you hit him," Rick tried to help defend.

"Not an excuse to do it. I should have known something was wrong."

"How could you have known?" Fay asked.

"I should have known that letting me hit him was as much about him as it was about me. He helped me at his expense."

"Casey –"

"I've known him for six years, Fay," Casey said, regret filtered through his voice. "We've been through hell and back together enough times to know each other and as much as I hate to admit it, he's been a lot more…understanding when I thought I had botched a mission, but I've never been good at…those kinds of things. Losing Michael was hard, but no more difficult for me than it was for Billy…maybe more for him because he…cares...he cares more deeply and he had to watch him die."

Rick, Fay and Adele listened, having never heard Casey rant about anything at length that didn't involve wishing someone ill will and exacting physical harm. They watched him practically tremble with self-loathing.

"Casey, it's okay. You said it yourself. Billy will make it. He always does," Rick tried to console.

"That's not the point. I should have known better. He deserves better than a teammate who can't see beyond his own self-absorption…who beat him."

Casey shook his head with disbelief at his actions.

"The doctor said that the injuries were all from the mission. There was nothing –"

"Screw the doctors! How the HELL can they know that for sure? **I **KNOW! I KNOW what I did. What I don't know is how I can ever make it up to Billy. How he can ever trust me again."

Casey stalked off. Rick went to follow him, but was stopped by Adele.

"Give him time. You both have gone through a lot. For all of Casey's stoicism, deep down, I think he's more easily hurt than he lets on and he sets a much higher standard for himself. Give him room to breathe and more importantly, be there for him if Billy –"

"No, no, Billy will make it. It's what we both know about him."

"He's not superhuman," Adele said trying to be gently realistic.

"Maybe not, but sheer will is Billy's superpower. The day there's a kryptonite for that will be the day both Casey and I will quit the Agency because none of it will mean anything anymore to us."

Adele drew Rick back into a hug.

Fay followed Casey outside into the cold air of the evening.

"Casey?" She called out softly.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm okay. Go back in," Casey said, his control back in place, for now.

"No, you're not. We've been friends too long for you to pretend with me."

"Don't…" Casey said, his control slipping again.

"Don't what? Don't tell you that Michael's death wasn't your fault? That you couldn't have prevented it? That Billy's injuries aren't your fault? That Billy knew what he was doing? I think you know all that, but it's so much easier to take on the blame because it gives you a reason for what happened to Michael, for what's happening to Billy, but I know you, Casey. You know that sometimes the spy game has casualties, that it's a heartless profession."

"Fay… stop."

"No, I won't stop because I know how much you cared about Michael and care about Billy. You HAVE to let Michael go. He'd want that. He would tell you to stop wallowing and to move on and you know it."

Casey squeezed back his tears. Fay had known him as long as Michael had, longer than Billy did so he knew she had the right to say the words, to call him on his behavior.

"I miss him, Fay. I can't lose Billy too. It's just too much. Even for a bastard like me."

Fay came over and laid a comforting hand on his back.

"I know and you're not a bastard. You just have a hardened shell, but see? It's easy to crack," she softly teased. "We haven't lost Billy yet, but…if we do, you can't walk away like you want to. You have Rick to consider."

"I'm not a very good example for him, Fay. All I know is how to inflict pain and suffering."

"And to be strong and centered," she pointed out.

"It's not enough to do the job."

"Rick has the other qualities and you might want to take the time to learn a little from him."

Casey shook his head.

"Look at how long Billy's tried and he's failed. If he can't…"

"Really? Seems to me, he's made some significant in-roads if what I'm seeing isn't a hallucination. You've always cared, but not like this, not taking on unnecessary blame like you are now. That's a Billy trait."

"If you're going to be insulting…" Casey said, no malice behind the statement, a small smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.

"Casey, I've known you for a long time. Michael trusted you with protecting the team and you have, but it's not all you do and you can't be everywhere all at the same time. Not even the human weapon can split himself like an atom."

Casey found himself smiling again.

"Billy will have it the hardest, Casey and you know it. Being there when Michael died. Truthfully, you were lucky. He'll need you to help him remember the best of Michael, not how he died."

"I guess so."

"Rick is new and naïve in his devotion and needs to be led, will allow himself to be led. You're the only one who can show Billy that he's capable of leading because he'd know you wouldn't follow anyone you didn't trust with your life. You don't give that right to just anyone. Probably only two now."

Casey listened to her and he felt his body relax with the comfort. She was right. Though he knew she was suffering loss as well, she knew him, she knew the ODS with Michael and had a perspective that he needed in order to see the ODS without Michael.

"Now, come inside before you freeze to death. I really don't want to do more paperwork about another hospitalized operative though with the ODS, it's practically expected," Fay teased.

Casey nodded. He turned to go in and then Fay caught him in an embrace.

"Michael would want you to be there for Billy and Rick. Concentrate your energies on that, okay? Skip the channeling through rage part."

They parted and Casey snorted.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Adele held Rick's hand and saw the red-rimmed anguish in his eyes.

"I never thought that we'd lose Michael and now…Billy might die…"

"Don't lose that faith you have in him. I don't know Billy well, but I've seen him bounce back from injuries that would break a lesser man…well, second only to Casey," she softly teased and comforted. "I've also seen how he's been with you. You need to keep believing."

Rick nodded.

"Thanks…you know…for being here with me."

"Where else would I be?" She said with a small smile.

He smiled back.

"I'm sorry about Michael."

"I didn't really get to know him, but I respected him, even his paranoia," Rick joked.

"He respected you too," Adele said.

Rick gave her a curious look.

"How…?"

"He wanted me to know how well you were doing because he didn't have any confidence that Higgins would acknowledge it."

Rick looked at her, emotions once again coming to the surface.

"Wow…I didn't realize…"

"He didn't want you to know about it because he was worried that you would suspect something nefarious," she smiled. "He admitted that he didn't exactly instill trust in you. It was early on in your time there."

"Early on? They tested me for months."

Adele smiled again.

"Michael admitted that it was better for you to think that. It hadn't been about testing your loyalty, but rooting out Higgins's influence on you. He told me your loyalty was plainly there," she giggled.

"What?"

"He said that nobody could be that patriotic and have a hidden agenda."

Rick then laughed.

"Am I **that** easy to read?"

She nodded. "Yeh, you are, in the best of ways. I think he envied it. I know that I do."

Rick sighed. "I wished I had known him."

"You did for as much as he was willing reveal."

"I guess, but…"

"He was impressed and proud of you, Rick. A seasoned operative like he was, if he felt that you didn't measure up, you would have known. You would have been out of the ODS. He had that kind of power."

"Sounds like you knew him better than I did."

"He talked a lot about you. He told me that he would never entrust the lives of Billy and Casey to someone he didn't trust himself," she said, then smiled again. "I also think he suspected that I was a bit taken by you myself. Maybe before I even knew it. As you know, I can be a bit slow about such things."

Rick smiled and caressed her cheek.

"I felt privileged really, that he would trust me that way. Funny thing about this place, you do learn to be suspicious of people's intentions, seems almost expected of you, but the ones who truly offer it, do it in a way that ensures you don't question it, they let you know it. Michael had that way."

"Yeh, yeh, I guess he did."

Suddenly, the quiet comfort between them had been interrupted by the surgeon, who had entered the room, his expression grim and less than confidence inspiring. Fay and Casey joined the group as well. They all stood up. The suspense was suffocating.

"How is he?" Rick asked quickly.

"The good news is that he survived the surgery and his vitals are holding –"

"And the bad news?" Casey asked, always cutting to the chase.

"He has fully involved pneumonia in both lungs. He's on a ventilator and we have him on antibiotics."

"So we wait, right?" Rick asked.

"Yes, but…"

"But what?" Casey asked, his voice rising in irritation.

"I'm afraid he's fallen into a coma."

Rick's knees felt as if they were going to buckle underneath him.

"That doesn't mean anything. He's been worse," Casey declared.

"I understand that and as with anyone, there's always a chance, but you need to know that his chances dwindle the longer he stays in the coma or if it deepens. If he had just come in sooner, I'm concerned that his immune system has been severely compromised."

And that was the statement that had left everyone without a defense.

They all knew that Billy had ignored his health to take care of them first and though it was the kind of leadership quality that made him the man they would gladly follow, the cost for that compassion could be his life.

"Thank you, doctor," Adele intervened.

As the doctor walked off, Rick sat down in a chair, Adele holding him, easing him into it. Casey walked over to a nearby wall and threw his fist into it.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

It had been a week.

Billy had remained stable, but he was still unconscious. The pneumonia was abating, but it wasn't gone completely. Still, he had improved enough to attempt removing the ventilator. He began breathing on his own. Small victories.

Vigils were all too common with the members of the ODS. Too many close calls and injuries and most of them seemed to happen to Billy. Casey knew why because just like him and yet in every important way, not like him, Billy ran into situations to save someone and often got hurt for his efforts. He had realized why. Unlike him, Billy never planned or strategized before he thrust himself into danger. He just did it on instinct. If someone was in peril, that was all the criteria that Billy had needed and the rest was just survival and Billy had survived a lot.

But Casey wasn't sure that Billy would survive this and continued to feel the guilt of his contribution.

Billy had done the same thing for him and Rick, even suffering his own pain, his own grief he had put them aside and had acted on instinct. For them. His friends were hurting and that was all he had needed to know to leap in. To put them first.

It didn't matter what the others had said, in the end, Casey knew he had made it worse. Even if he hadn't contributed to Billy's illness or injuries, he knew that where it had counted the most, he had done the most damage one man could do to another.

Casey had abandoned Billy when he had been begging to be saved.

He had never claimed to be someone who was easy to talk to, someone a person would turn to, to talk out anything personal, but…

That didn't change the fact that he had abandoned Billy when he had needed him the most, to face the worst demon of all for an operative, an operative like Billy who took everything personally.

Survivor's guilt.

He had accused Billy of not being careful, questioned why he couldn't save Michael and when he had tried to retract his words, it had been too late. The damage had already been done.

He didn't need to use his defensive postures or his weaponized skills, he knew how to employ those; it was **his** go-to instinct. No, he had abandoned Billy by not telling him what he most needed to hear, that he didn't blame him for his grief, for what had happened to Michael.

Casey could explain away why he was incapable of such gestures; that he needed to focus 100% on being the human weapon. It was what he had trained himself to be. He had rationalized to Linda about why he couldn't even be 2% off his game. If he had possessed the courage, he would have admitted and agreed that the 2% was love.

When Billy had needed him, he was more than just 2% off. It was the first time that he had been at nothing. Zero percent. Hitting Billy had been a vain attempt to regain any of that control he had valued so much, to return to that stoic center he had often bragged about obtaining without effort. Instead, it had depleted him even more because he had tried regaining it at Billy's expense and that wasn't being the friend he should have been; that was being nothing. Zero.

And now, as Billy lay unconscious, as close to death as he had ever been, Casey realized that if he lost Billy. He was done. It would be over. He could never be the human weapon again. He couldn't be anything ever again. He would be nothing. Zero. For the rest of his life. As much as he liked Rick, he couldn't stay even for him.

He didn't **want** to leave the ODS, but he knew that if Billy died, he'd **have** to. He'd be no good to anyone anymore.

He watched Billy breathe and should have been comforted, but he was scared, scared that when Billy woke up, would he be able to make it up to him, would he find the right words to make things right between them? He would want Billy to beat him up. It was what he was comfortable with, but he knew Billy and he would refuse because Billy knew what a good man did. He absolved without violence.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Lead by Example**

Summary: The ODS loses Michael and it's left to Billy to keep them together, but at what cost to him? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH

A fanfiction written based on the characters from the cancelled TV show, Chaos.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I seek no financial gain. Just hope you enjoy the story. You don't have to be a fan of the show.

**Part Four:**

Relief should have been the response and for a fleeting moment, it had been, but it didn't take long for trepidation to cement in place of it.

Billy had awakened.

Setback number one: He was feeling pain that the doctors couldn't find the source for so they plied his IV with enough painkillers to keep him just within consciousness. This made Billy fuzzy, but more comfortable.

Setback number two: Billy had amnesia.

Depending on how one looked at it, it was more or less a blessing. He didn't remember Michael dying in his arms, but he was now beginning to wonder why Michael wasn't around. More upsetting to Rick, Billy didn't remember him. His timeline? Just after Carson died.

Casey would have laughed if he had a sense of humor about the cosmic ironies of the Universe. Maybe he was being punished after all. Suddenly, it was all on him to not only give Billy context, but if the amnesia didn't rectify, to catch him up to all of the terrible losses.

For now, Michael and Carson were on assignment and Casey had been injured like Billy, which would explain why he was in the hospital with him. It seemed to placate for now and Billy's battle with staying conscious helped keep the curiosity and the need for clarity at bay.

It killed Rick to stay in the background, but for now, it was for Billy's sake that he shouldn't be confused. They didn't want to plunge Billy into a traumatic recall that could set him back even further. Rick had agreed.

Selfishly, Rick needed to see Billy to tell him that he didn't mean the things he had said, he needed to be forgiven, but doing that would just hurt Billy more and he had done enough of that. Adele had told him that if he could treat this like a mission and keep details to himself, he could see him.

Rick felt need and fear collide for attention. He didn't know if he could pull off a cover that would require deceiving Billy so he stayed away from the room, yet kept close.

One day though, he walked by and peeked into Billy's room, just so he could assure himself with a visual that he was okay. Billy looked asleep, but had surprised him.

"Checking up on me?" Billy asked tiredly yet a hint of a wince snuck through.

"Oh, uh, yeh, just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well, make yourself useful and come in then," Billy said, pain laced in his voice.

"Uh, no, I better not. You should get some rest."

"I **have **been resting and I can tell you right now, it's bloody exhausting," he said with a deep sigh for emphasis.

Rick snickered. It was nice to hear Billy make jokes again.

"Come on, be a good lad and break the boredom for me, would you?"

Rick walked in, against his better judgment, but his insecurity driving him to disobey it.

"Billy. Billy Collins," he introduced himself, though his expression wrinkled in confusion. "Do I know you?"

Rick's heart leaped into his throat. So much so he had to swallow it down before answering.

"I don't think so. I'm new. I'm Rick."

"Well, young Rick, I feel I know you, but that could be the drugs talking."

Rick smiled, but it was shaky.

"You all right there, son? You look like you're going to need a hospital bed yourself."

"No, no, I'm okay, I'm just tired."

Rick was always amazed at Billy's intuitiveness and even compromised himself could detect something awry beyond his own struggles. It filled him with longing for the warmth from familiarity. It also gave him guilt for it was that same intuitiveness that Billy had employed to ease his own loss at the expense of his own need, ignoring his health to accomplish it.

"Rick?" Billy called out. "You still with me there?"

"Oh, sorry. I'm a bit distracted."

"Did Higgins ask you to check up on me?"

"No, I'm uh…" Rick stumbled. "I told Casey I would come by."

"Casey asked you to check up on me? That seems unlike him," Billy said teasingly suspicious.

"He was worried about you," Rick danced, he felt himself slipping. "Look, I should go –"

"Seriously, you look like you're going to pass out there."

"I…I'm okay. I'm…I'm just coming off a mission is all. I uh we lost someone," Rick said, clearing his throat from the true emotion behind the statement, thinking of both losses, Michael and Billy with his amnesia.

Billy picked up on the emotion and felt compassion.

"Your first then?"

Rick swallowed and could only nod.

"I'll be honest with you, it never gets any easier, lad, but I'm sure you did your best and in the end, that's all that counts. I'm sure your friend would want you to go on."

Rick listened to Billy's advice, the same advice he had given him earlier, and wondered if he would take it himself when he recovered his memory. Maybe it would be Rick's job to remind him of this conversation if he didn't.

"I'll never know. I said some things that I shouldn't have and now…he's gone and I can never undo them," Rick said, hoping that he'd be wrong, that he would get that chance with Billy and though he could rationalize that if Billy never regained his memory, he would get that second chance to make it up to him, in an unexpected way, it would feel wrong and he'd feel cheated.

In the case of Michael, he would be robbed of that chance entirely.

"Was he a close mate of yours?" Billy asked.

Rick nodded.

"He saved my life."

"Then there's your answer. I'm sure that nothing you could have said would have changed that bond you had. Believe me, I speak from experience. I, too, lost a mate and I almost quit because of it…"

"Why didn't you?" 

Billy took in a breath.

"Because I would be doing a disservice to Carson's memory by being a coward and running. I could never do that. I owe much to the profession both for Carson and for myself."

Rick nodded, understanding. It was what had kept him there this long. Billy was far from lost to him and needed him. Michael was gone, but what he had taught him lived on in him.

"Neither could I," Rick said.

"Then, I'm sure, you also are doing right by your mate," Billy smiled weakly.

"Thanks. I hope I am."

"My pleasure. I consider it a sacred duty to prevent the Agency from losing good men, such as yourself, I can see that you have the heart of a hero."

Rick straightened stiffly. Billy had that curious expression again.

"Are you all right?" Rick asked.

"I'm fine…must be tired is all."

"I'll let you sleep."

Billy nodded and allowed sleep to overtake him.

Rick quickly left and dashed into the men's room so that he could catch his breath and his emotions.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Infection had begun to set in. The doctors were hoping to keep pneumonia at bay while defeating the infection. It was not only a delicate experiment in juggling the correct doses and the correct types of drugs to prevent adverse reactions, but it was also a setback Billy didn't need with everything else he was fighting. They couldn't make a differential diagnosis on what was causing the cascading setbacks such as the pain so they continued to test in the hopes that by treating the infection, the pain would remedy itself as well.

The infection gave Billy a fever, making confusion and hallucinations more prevalent and lucidity elusive. The amnesia was now less about permanence as it was trying to zero in on the present, no matter how painful for Billy to accept.

During a visit with Rick, Billy had had a flashback of watching Michael die and had resisted its validity, but the doctors had advised that at that point, lying to him wasn't a good idea, that by sparing him the unpleasant memories, it could cement his denial of them. Rick had been afraid to make a return visit, fearing that maybe he was a catalyst, but Casey actually encouraged him and Adele soothed him by saying that Billy would find comfort in Rick's presence and assurances.

So Rick went back.

He ducked in to check to see if Billy was awake. A soft moan came through and gave Rick concern so he risked entering all the way.

Billy turned and recognized his friend and smiled.

"Come in, lad," Billy said, his voice weak and raspy.

"Are you sure? Because I can come back –"

"No, no, it's all right…I fear I owe you an apology for my last outburst," Billy said as a spasm of pain shook him.

He groaned.

"No, you don't. You weren't yourself and besides, I can't blame you for not wanting to believe the memory. I'd be wishing the same thing too…I have been…"

"I thank you for that…" Billy breathed tiredly.

"I want you to know that…I'm sorry for not seeing how much pain you were in…I was being selfish…"

Billy understood and felt badly for inflicting guilt onto Rick.

"You weren't, lad. Anything I felt was not of your doing. I brought it upon myself," Billy said as he closed his eyes.

"I should have helped you, made you see it wasn't your fault."

"You tried, but I just wasn't ready to hear it. I understand now and have accepted that I couldn't do anything for Michael. It's still difficult to comprehend, but I'm not fooling myself anymore nor blaming myself neither."

"I'm glad," Rick said then looked at Billy, tried to make eye contact to drive his point home. "Take the job, Billy. Michael would want you to. I want you to even Casey wants it."

Billy nodded, smiled and sighed.

"I appreciate that, Rick…but…"

"You told me that choices like these are not up to others, it's up to you, but you need to know that we'd follow you into hell, Billy. You have that loyalty unequivocally. You've more than earned it in my eyes."

Billy felt pride for the relationship he had forged with Rick and it rose into his throat, Billy finding it difficult to swallow it down.

"Aye, I see that and you humble me. I promise to seriously think on it, all right?" Billy said. "Thank you for the honor, believe me when I say that I don't take your words lightly."

Rick nodded. Billy stiffened.

"Is there anything I can do?" Rick asked.

"You've already done it, lad."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

It had been a long road to recovery for Billy, but with the grief and loss slowly fading from his mind and with the consistent encouragement of his mates as well Fay and Adele, he had regained his strength both in body and will.

Casey's physical therapy was daunting, but Billy was surprised at his newly developed patience and understanding of his limitations at first. It gave Billy the extra determination to not disappoint him.

Both he and Casey shared memories of Michael with Rick, allowing laughter and past successful adventures to replace the painful memories of death and loss. Healing comradeship enveloping the metamorphosis of a new team. Different, never to be the same, still needing a fourth member yet content to be three.

Fay had hugged him and had told him that Michael would approve and could rest peacefully knowing that he was taking care of everyone, even her. Her assurances and her bright smile gave him pause and a feeling of a new level of belonging both personally and professionally.

It was time to face Higgins with his decision, which had already been given symbolically speaking, but an official discussion needed to be made.

Just before he had entered the office, Adele had greeted him. Her smile was as bright as Fay's and it had warmed him to see her.

"I just wanted to thank you."

Billy looked confused.

"For what?"

"For staying, for leading the ODS. Most of all, for being there for Rick."

Adele hugged him.

"He needs you. They both do."

"Truth be told I need them as well. I know no other work I'd rather do and with no other mates at my side."

She pecked him on the cheek then he shyly smiled and walked into Higgins's office.

He knocked on the door and was beckoned in.

"Thank you for seeing me, Director."

"Of course, I've been hearing about your progress and I see that you have recovered."

"Not completely, but I'm well on my way."

"So I take it that this meeting is to give me your answer."

"Officially yes. I believe you've known all along what the answer was going to be even if I hadn't."

"I suspected, yes."

"Then I'm officially accepting leadership duties of the ODS."

"Excellent."

"I do want to make a couple of conditions."

Higgins gave him a wary look.

"Such as?"

"First, that we stay a three member group until we are ready to accept a fourth. I don't want to rush the others and to be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to take on a new recruit."

"That's reasonable and I agree."

"Secondly, your opinion about the ODS and its work must change. We have more than proven that our, albeit unorthodox, methods do work and produce the desired outcomes. I want our team to have the due respect it deserves and the due latitude necessary to accomplish what's necessary."

Higgins respected Billy's strength of conviction and his staltworthy defense of his team and couldn't deny the respectful nature of the request.

"All right, Operative Collins. I concede to your requests, for now. Keep in mind that the final say is mine as Director. I will you give latitude, but in return, I expect cooperation."

"Agreed."

They shook hands and Billy didn't feel he had betrayed Michael, but was just trying to begin a new era that would hopefully find him leading by example because though he wasn't Michael, he would never forget the second chance that had been given by him and would make it up to him by keeping his legacy if not his paranoia alive with men he would go into the heart of darkness for.

**FIN. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed the read.**


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